31 October, 2005

Diwali Dinners and other such Tales of Horror.

First off..
A very Happy Diwali to all my friends out there.
For the people who're going 'Diwhat?'- in a nutshell its the Hindu festival of lights. It's also a damn good time to pig out and say "Whaat...it's religeous! Or something like that..ooh I haven't tried THAT sweet..Outtamaway!"

Secondly..Indians are nuts.

My mom's friend was holding this huge Diwali party with loadsa good food, snobby ladies, their bored husbands, spotty teenage girls who gossiped (mainly about me, naturally), guys my brothers age (who, lets face it, are always more fun to hang out with.) aaaaand me.

Every husband in that party looked like he'd been threatened at gun point to come for this party. Until I entered the room (of course.) Yowzaaa.
The ladies were having a ball..by 'ball' I mean 'verbal catfights' and by 'verbal catfights' I mean passing thinly disguised bitchy comments in a very 'la-dee-da' way.
"Muah muah dahhhling, oops! Got an inch of foundation off..sorrrreh dahling!"
"Ooh your hair looks lovely! I absolutely LUUURVE that shade of hair colour, it totttally covers up your grey!"
"Oh your curves are amazing! Now, now thats enough cake! Hee hee."
"Your salwaar is amazing, didn't you get it at that sale? No? Oh my mistake."

Meowrrr pussycats!

One such woman dared to go up against my mom. Too bad she didn't see me standing next to her.
"Oh P, everytime I call you, you're ALWAYS having a beauty nap or you're at the salon ..I see you were really preparing for tonight, huh. Hee hee."
My mom just looked at her like she wanted to say "Wtf, mate?"
I just didn't like her tone of voice.
"Oh aunty, Mom doesn't need the beauty sleep or the salon treatment. She's gorgeous. I can't say the same about some of the women here, hai na?" -Mahi raises an eyebrow, gives her a once over, gives a bitchy smile and never breaks eye contact with the overmade-up cow-
Cow makes some lame excuse and runs off.
Honey, two can play that game.

So after my crime-fighting spree I head to the table, load up my plate and join the guys and I Stop.
Oh shit. Cute guy. Can't stuff face now. Shit shit SHIT. Let him LEAVE.. GO GO GO.
Buuut they start the LOTR movie and I get engrossed in it and start pigging out.
So much for eating like a bird aaand so much for caring what cute guy thinks of me now.
Heh heh
Ahh that was good *pats tummy*

Suddenly this Chinese lady, who was at the party bursts into the room and heads straight for me.
After my last conversation, you can't blame me for panicking slightly and hence looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Wahh you're so glam!"
"Err...thank you aunty.."
"Mark my words ah girl..you're going to be famous one day"
*blink*...*blink* *Mahi bleats out a nervous "heh-heh-heh"*
"No, no my predictions always come true!"
"Aunty if I do become famous, I assure you I'll find you and thank you for the heads up."
Ok, so she seems satisfied and she leaves.
Crazy woman deflected with my super crazy-woman-deflecting-power.
Wow. I'll do GREAT in the PR business.

My trauma doesn't end there, I wrestle my way through the crowd and FINALLY get to the desert table when my moms friend sidles up next to me and whispers "Godddd Mahi you look amazinggggggg."
*Panic alert up-and-running*
"Er..heh-heh-heh...thank you aunty.."
And then she proceeds to SMACK MY ASS. In front of everyone
Not a pat.

Everyone turns, I'm silently looking down, going red in the face, holding my cup of trifle pudding and thinking "Shit that hurt." and THEN thinking "WTF MATE?!"
And she's there looking mighty proud of herself and grinning like a goddamn crazy woman!
"Sorry I couldn't help myself"
"Heh-heh..its ok..I'd rather you do it than some creep at a club."

And then comes the saddest bit.
The men are suddenly glued to the T.V.
"There have been bomb blasts in Delhi!" Calls out one uncle.
"Oh dear! That's terrible! Dahling come and have some more Biryani." Trills out his wife.
Yea..I know.

These people are SO wrapped up in themselves.
It makes me want to smack them with a biryani dish and say "Uncleji's, Auntyji's, lend me your ears- You suck. Your sons are ignorant assholes, your daughters are gossipy 'hoes, Uncleji here is going have a heart attack at the rate he's going and you ma'am...all the plastic surgery in the world can't help you."

Do you know what they'll say to that?
"Ya. Her nailpolish is chipped. Ugh dahling, ugh!"

28 October, 2005

Fathers & Daughters

Mahi, 3 years old : My mom, dad and I take a European tour..Dad ends up carrying me all the way coz I'm too much of a brat to walk ( some things never change eh :P).. he never complained even once.

Mahi, 7 years old : I get a new bicycle..my first ever! A pretty pink one with ribbons..
"Ready, Steady, GO! Papa!! Don't let go!"
"I won't Mahi.."
"Promise?? Promise ok! I'm scared to fall! Ok push faster Papa!"
I turn around and he's already let go 2 minutes back. I'm so happy and scared that I lose balance, and fall.
"You said you wouldn't let go!!!!!!" And I start bawling my eyes out.
"But you can ride your cycle now without me."
Oh. That. Cool !!
I hop on and forget about my bleeding knee and Dad's standing there and smiling as his crazy kid goes skidding and falling all over the compound.

Mahi, 10 years old : I'm petrified as I approach him -"Dad..I got a C for my math"
Dad just smiles and says "It's Ok, there's always next time." Mom of course, has a fit. But Dad's cool. He always has been.

Dad throws batteries and I catch them. He gives me tips - "Keep your eye on the battery..Open out your hands like this.."
Mom comes and starts going on about how the batteries have hit a couple of vases. Dad apologizes ( not very convincingly), Mom walks off in a huff, we giggle and start throwing the batteries again.

Mahi, 15 years old : "Mahima. Always remember- No boyfriends until you turn 21." Says Mom.
"Oh come on. You can have one when you're 18." Says good ol' Dad.
"P!! What are you saying!?" Screeches Mom
"Ok...16 then"
Mom walks off in huff, Dad and I giggle.

I back-answer Mom a few days later, she complains to Dad. I complacently smile assuming he'll take my side.
He doesn't. He tells me how disappointed he is with me. Moms scoldings had no effect, but that made me cry.
Dad and I are a team..but he never hesitates when it comes to putting me in my place. And I'm a better person coz of that.

Mahi, 18 years old : Mom and I have the biggest fight ever, regarding which junior college I should attend. As with all mom-daughter fights, the issue goes off tangent, harsh words are exchanged and we're both reduced to tears. I shut myself in my room and cry the hardest I've ever cried.
Dad comes home from work to find himself in the midst ofWW III. He comes inside and patiently says "Mahi, your mom isn't like you and me. She doesn't have half the foresight that you have. She only sees the straight and narrow path ahead.. forgive her for what she said, we both know you're bigger than that.."
For the first time in my life, I realised my Dad knew me a whole lot better than I he let on. My respect for him shot up by a few million notches that day.

Mahi, 19 years old : "Dad! Check out this new painting I did!!!!"
"Hmm. The colours are a bit off. Also the proportion doesn't look too right. You need more practise" He frowns and continues with his work.
I get miffed. I thought he of all people would have loved it.
Ok. Cold shoulder treatment begins.
That night I come out of my room and I stop. I overhear my dad talking to the guests.
"You should see Mahi's paintings! I don't know how she managed to cultivate that talent. The figures and proportions are excellent!"
Theres a lump in my throat when I hear the pride in his voice.
Cold Shoulder treatment ends.

Mahi, 20 years old : The family discusses something and Dad says with a mixture of pride and disappointment "Mahima, you worry me. I look at you and I see you're the same person I used to be when I was your age. Proud, confident, believing too much in your own capabilities. And I get scared. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I made."
"Dad, if that's indeed true. I hope that I do make the same mistakes you did. You've become a pretty cool guy because of those mistakes."

Dad just smiles. That's his way of wishing he could disagree but he can't/won't. Coz his daughter is right. As always =P

Mahi, currently : Terribly pissed off at Dad. A few days after my 21st birthday he suddenly turns into the typical over-protective Indian dad from those Hindi Films. "I absolutely FORBID you from going out with a group of guys alone. There's no way in hell I'll allow it. No WAY in HELL."
What a nightmare!
I'm so shocked I just stand there looking like a goldfish, burping out words "But..you..me..cool dad...how..just a movie..why...huhh?!?!?!!?!"
Dad holds up his hand and says "NO."
We both stomp off. Let the Cold Shoulder treatment begin.

Next day I find my favourite chocolate in the fridge.
"What's this." I suspiciously ask Mom.
"You're Dad bought it for you today..he knows you love it..."
I look terribly unconvinced at this peace offering. Mom decides to come clean with me.
"Mahi, your dad's terrified. He knows you're no longer a kid.. Try and understand. He's terrified of the day that you'll leave for your own home. You turning 21 scared him out of his wits"
And then I remembered how I touched my dads feet on the morning of my birthday and how he quickly walked away.
And wiped a tear when he thought I wasn't looking.

Respect for Mom for being honest, shoots up by a million notches.

Let the Cold Shoulder treatment end.
That evening I silently offer Dad half my chocolate bar.. We both munch on it..I crack a joke, we both laugh. Mom complains about dropping chocolate bits on the floor. We apologize (very unconvincingly), mom walks off in a huff, we giggle and continue munching on the chocolate.

It's not my dad's birthday today..it's not father's day or anything..it's just a normal day.
My dad's a stellar person.
And I love him to bits.
If I'm lucky, I'll marry someone who's at least half the man that he is.
Someone who's humble, kind hearted, believes in what he does without a doubt, honest, not overly mushy, has a killer mind and has an excellent sense of humor.
Sure, Dad'll make loads of fun of the guy ( and I'll probably join in) but if he's happy with him, then I know I will be too.

Fathers, be good to your Daughters,
Daughters will love like you do..
- "Daughters" John Mayer

Cheers Dad!
-Mahi thoughtfully munches on her dark chocolate and walks away...-

24 October, 2005

Wanted: Sexy Computer Wizard.*meowrr*

Jeez...I was officially BLOWN away today.

Hanita, Nesha and I had to upload our website today (part of a project and all that)
After struggling with the stupid piece of shit, we decided to enlist a little help from Nesha's friend who was a School of Computing student.

So we made our way to the computing faculty, and went into one of the computer labs, where her friend was waiting for us.
This is when One thing dawned upon me.

1) We..or at least I, am a bimbo. For the first time in my life, I felt like an airhead.
I almost felt a vacuum open up in the lab the MINUTE I stepped into it. A vacuum that sucked the brainforce out of all the computer geeks in the lab. I felt their glass-ed glares sear into me, like little virtual knives in my back. From the corner of my eye, I saw them hunch protectively over their high powered, big, fancy-shmancy computers/laptops as I delicately laid down my pearly white petite Toshiba..As if her very presence would instantly downsize their RAMs and gigahertz and gigabytes, and just by pure diffusion would bimbotize them. Hey, my Betsy can hold her own, Ok?

A few girls started doggedly banging out codes and commands as if to drive home the point that I, Mahima, was nothing.. NOTHINGcompared to them and their vast knowledge of the virtual world. Point noted computer geek chicks...point noted.

So what happened next was amazing.
While I waited patiently for Betsy to boot (it's ok darling..you're pretty..they don't have that.) Nesha's friend had SOMEHOW already accessed all the files he needed to help us with.
He then proceeded to type out commands ....rows and rows of commands..with rapid speed his hands flew and danced over the key board, like two bees doing a mating dance. He was furiously muttering commands as they ran through his mind, as if his mouth was trying in vain to catch up with his brain.
And suddenly he had the solution to our woes!

He looked at me and asked if that had fixed the problem ..
And there was me there with my mouth open. I just dumbly nodded.
In my head, I was there sitting, holding up my hand and going "Uh, scuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor"
The computer geek in me was having an orgasm.

Then he pushed the laptop to me and asked me to type out stuff...Ok, so I made a few typos here and there..and Computer Stud went "Ahhh long nails sometimes make typing hard eh?"

Touché CompStud...Touché!

Finally after tweaking a few html codes he dusted his hands off and proclaimed "Done! Run along children..Shoo..Run along! Let daddy finish his other project."

"Y-y-yes sir!" I stammered and bundled up Betsy and scuttered out of the room.
Nesha gave me a weird look "What's wrong with you??"
"Jeezus did you see that!? He used his mad brand of computer wizardry and abracadabra-ed our problems away!"
"Don't take Jesus' name in vain!!"
"Yea, yea sorry...wow.."

Wow indeed ladies. Wow.
You might wanna add "Computer Wizard" in your list of qualities that you want in your man.

It's hot.
Trust me.

22 October, 2005

I have the heart of an 8 year old. In a jar. On my desk.

I have mixed feelings about kids..

I think they're lovely most of the time..you know..they look up to you, adore you, hang onto your every word and they do say the funniest stuff.

Like the time the cute kid frm the 18th floor came to my house to take something for his mom, and as he walked out the door, he coyly turned around, waved his hand seductively and sang out to my brother "Bye Kitty-Kat!"
My tall manly-man brother, who was lounging on the couch and watching soccer (what else?), turned to me and said "What the hell's wrong with that kid?"

And then there are the types who think they're smarter than you. And meaner than you. And bitchier than you.

Like the time I took Kelso down for a walk.
A chubby 6 year old girl walked up to him and eyed him like he had a bad smell (he DIDN'T. He smells like baby shampoo) and snorted "Stupid dog."
It took me all my patience (and bitchiness) to snort back "Careful. He might just take a bite out of you, Chunky."
She just turned and flounced off. (Hair flip and all. Honestly. If she hadn't just dissed my dog, I'd have been almost proud of her.)

Then there was the time a little tyke and his family had come over for dinner. He seemed very VERY fond of Kelso. Every now and then he'd tell his mother (in a slightly sinister manner, I thought) "Mom, I want a dog JUST LIKE Kelso!"
While we were dropping them at the lift, he looked like he was thinking very hard about something and then he slinked up next to me.
"Didi (sister) what if...someone kidnapped Kelso......but what if he really really loved Kelso.."
"Go on.."
"And what if....you found out he had kidnapped Kelso...what would you do?"
I turned to the little monkey, smiled and said very softly "I'd slap him. Hard."
"Oh..." and into the lift he ran, looking a bit put off.

And THEN there was the time I was in the lift with ADHD-boy from the first floor.
"Hi D! How are you?" I said to him.
Not taking his eyes off the lift door he said "Shut up."
"Not having a good day eh?"
"Shut up."
"You shut up!"
"Shut up."
"I think you're rude."
"Shut UP."
"Go to hell asshole."
Luckily for him his floor arrived.
I was all ready to beat the ADHD outta him

Stupid kids.

I am SO gonna become one of those women that kids will either hate or love.
Or love to hate.
Or hate to love.
And I'll bake yummy pies and not give the mean ones a SINGLE slice.

19 October, 2005

...and it continues.

Firstly..sorry for the lack of updates.
Secondly..which one first? The good news or the bad news?

Ok, ok the bad news- I am the proud owner of a one 'Acute Tonsillitis'. Boy, do I sound like one hell of a nasal but sexy donkey. 5 different kindsa pills and 2 different but equally disgusting bottles of cough syrup that not only knock me out for a good solid 2 hours, but ALSO taste like tar. ( Ok, anyone who comes with a 'Oooh so you've tasted tar, eh?' wisecrack is going to get the shit beaten out of them.)

Hokay! The good news is that I'm not depressed anymore. This is mostly because I realised what was pissing me off. Or rather who.
Also! All my major project presentations are OVER! I can finally have some peaceful sleep.

I'm a contemplative mood. Most likely coz of the medication.
Heres some stuff that I've been thinking a lot about -

*When it rains it pours. If theres even the slightest chance that things (technology, health, money, people etc etc) will screw up, you can bet your ass that they will all screw up at the exact same time or on the same day.

*I've been remembering my economics tutor quite often. She was a lousy teacher, and I didn't even like her that much (I think the feeling was mutual). But every now and then she would say something that really made you think. Nothing to do with economics of course. She once told us "When you're in a relationship, and you spend more time being unhappy than happy, its time to get out." When she said it then, I scoffed at how absurdly naive she sounded. And then in good time I realised that it was that simple.

*Which brings me to this point. When a friend decides to kick up a huge mother of a fuss and says that its far too annoying and far too taxing to pass a message to someone on your behalf, amongst other insignificant things, its a damn good sign that the friendship needs to be reevaluated. There are only so many things you can blame on PMS.

*Two first impressions is all that you need.

* Don't ever settle. Box told me this recently. Thank you Box..you put a lot of things into perspective with those 3 words..

*Someone from Friendster actually sent me this message-
Subject: Xtreme~
Message: hi ther.. u r still single??me cool indian guy but straight forward and abit naughty.. Me know lifestyle here is stress and sucks! Now, me in fantasy to explore beyond girls desire limits. If you plan wanna have fun "DeSi-WaY" of discreet and naughty way of life style. (To know more about, visit my friendster member "desi" from U.S.A.) You will like it.. hehe..***DONT WORRY. ME HAVE NO BAD INTENTION OF ABUSIVE***add me and reply to my message k..

Uhhh................One of the few times I've been left speechless after reading a message. Speechless with joy and wonder as to how truly weird some people are.

Can you believe people like this guy actually exist. Email me if you want this guys link on Friendster.

* Last but not least..Always Wear Sunscreen.

Heh heh.

So..How was your week?

10 October, 2005

It's all about ME, Ok?

Ever felt like you were flying so high..like you could do no wrong? Not ever??
Ever felt like suddenly colours were so much much more brighter than they were?
Ever felt like you were so happy that you could just burst?
Ever felt like this was the way life was meant to be?

Well, lucky you.

This is gonna be a very very annoying post (for those of you who can't stand anyone's whining except your own, you can leave now...I'd understand coz I'm like that.)

I'm having a shit day.
I'm having a shit week.
'Shit' is my word of the month.

Uni is zapping the life out of me, surely but steadily.

I'm very unhappy with my current quality of life, not in a materialistic way, you must understand, coz that isn't very hard to fix.) Just personally, spiritually, everythingally.

I'm faintly annoyed every other day. Mostly coz I can't fix my problem..and I don't really know what my problem is. At least not at the mo'.

I hate feeling faintly annoyed. I'd rather be pissed as hell because 1) its easier to deal with and 2) it doesn't happen very often, in fact rarely.

I'm having too many bad hair days. And it's fucking pissing. me. off.

I have a nasty feeling that I'm getting addicted to coffee. But um..I'm not gonna try very hard to quit. Coz it's yummy. And it brightens my day. Could be the caffeine, but whatev.

I KNOW there's better out there, but I'm getting increasingly annoyed with restrictions from everywhere. *throws hands up in frustration*

There are far far too many couples. Oh shut it. I'm not jealous. I'm just.....well, who likes that much PDA!?
Ok, I am jealous.

Even my computers being a biatch. Et tu Betsy?

The food in the canteen is getting horrid.
The coffee even more so, but hey. I'm addicted baby. yea.

I feel a gnawing at my soul.
You know,
its like an itch you can't scratch,
like a muffin you can't have,
and a smile a day too late.
all that jazz.

Oh I know, my soul is tortured. TORTURED I tell ya!

Or maybe I'm just hungry.


05 October, 2005

You's a Stinkah.

Yesterday was a day of amazing, mindblowing stinkyness.

It was about 4 pm when I decided to take the No.10 back home from my university. This is what I like to do on the journey - have a muffin, listen to some good music and think. Just me and the open road (sort of).

But yesterday, that was not to happen.

I get on the bus and 5 minutes later, I lovingly unpack my walnut brownie and as I start to put a bite in my mouth, this stinky old man comes and sits next to me..

The kind of stink you get when you decide that you're too lazy to go to the toilet any more, so you realise its just more convenient to piss and shit yourself.
The kind of stink you get when you decide to set out to become the stinkiest person on the planet by wearing the same clothes everyday. Minus the washing bit. Sweat or no sweat.
That, combined with the stink you get when you decide to forgo bathing for about oh..3 weeks? There-ish.

Look, I have no qualms about eating in front of other people coz quite honestly I couldn't care less.
Mahi don't share her walnut brownies. Not with stinky people ( or even normal people for that matter. Unless I really like you.)
And thats the way, ahuh ahuh, I LIKE it.

I packed my brownie back in, because HAD I continued eating, I'd have forever classically conditioned myself to puke my guts out everytime I saw a brownie.
So I just sat there, miserably trying to inhale whatever perfume was left on my wrists.
Trust me, it looked funnier than it sounded.
*Shudder, tries to scrub off the smell*

Then Mr Stinky decides that sitting next to me is far too boring for him. So he whips out his huge mother of a cellphone and proceeds to talk loud enough for anyone within a 5 Km radius to hear.
So I gritted my teeth and in an attempt to hear my music (Damn you Volume 25 limit!) I dug in my earphone so deep that they were ready to pass through my brain and come out from my nose.

Then, a crazy lady enters the bus. No, no not Mahi-crazy, but crazy-crazy. I think the incessant babbling and hysterical laughter and crazy hair gave it away.
Oh. .
OK well trust me, she WAS crazy.
So unable to take it anymore, I just drifted off to sleep. Ah bliss.

Ok, ok here's the important bit :
1) Don't sit next to stinky people. You'll regret it. Trust me.
2) Stinky people out there, get some deo. Coz chances are you're quite hated in the community.
3) Don't ever sing while walking back home.
People stare and laugh.
I only realised when I heard the laughter and saw them pointing at me.

*Mahi shakes a fist at the world*

01 October, 2005

Hello Lonely.

I was at the vet last night with my friend Mink and Kelso (poor baby had an upset stomach..yes I know..I'm gonna be one of those Moms), when a Chinese lady about 30 years of age, stepped in with her little pomeranian.
She stood there staring at us for a good 10 minutes.

I gave her a smile and she immediately walked over and sat next to me.

So we exchanged the usual pleasanteries - What's your dog's name? Is she fixed? No? Oh mine is. Can she shake hands? Is she noisy? bahblahblah.
Then things suddenly took off on a tangent-

Her- You know, hor.. when I was attached ah.. my boyfriend and I had a dog, we went out for so many years you know! But when we broke up ah, no choice..I had to leave the dog there.
Me - (A bit surprised that a complete stranger was telling me something so..private) Oh dear...I'm so sorry to hear that..you must miss the dog a lot..
Her - Of course la.. but what to do? I told my father- I live with my parents now - I told my father ah that I dun wan anymore boyfriends la..enough is enough..
Me - Why not??
Her - Men are no good la..they will always cheat you one ahh.
Me - (Gulp.) R-r-really?
Her - Ya lor. Cannot trust them one ah. That's why I love dogs so much! They're very..(says something in Chinese and struggles to explain the English equivalent)
Me - .....loyal?
Her - Aaaaah correc'! They are very loving la, very loyal la(voice drops to a whisper) not like men. Correc' or not?
Me - Uh....(nods uncertainly)
Her - Aiyoh.. sorry sorry hor.. I think you and friend want to talk right, sorry I disturbed you!
Me - Oh no no..you can stay!

After that, we went back to talking about the dogs, but I was a bit unnerved after that. There was look of immense sadness in her eyes, even when she laughed.

I've always been a little paranoid about getting into relationships with men (mostly, I try not to.) And to confound things, a complete strangers pours her heart out to me about this.
Honestly, as I talked to her, the one thought that kept running through my mind was "Oh God.. I don't want to be her, 10 years and 5 broken hearts down the road."

I left the vet thinking " Ohhh this is so not good for my issues."
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