31 October, 2005

Diwali Dinners and other such Tales of Horror.

First off..
A very Happy Diwali to all my friends out there.
For the people who're going 'Diwhat?'- in a nutshell its the Hindu festival of lights. It's also a damn good time to pig out and say "Whaat...it's religeous! Or something like that..ooh I haven't tried THAT sweet..Outtamaway!"


Secondly..Indians are nuts.

No..REALLY.
My mom's friend was holding this huge Diwali party with loadsa good food, snobby ladies, their bored husbands, spotty teenage girls who gossiped (mainly about me, naturally), guys my brothers age (who, lets face it, are always more fun to hang out with.) aaaaand me.

Every husband in that party looked like he'd been threatened at gun point to come for this party. Until I entered the room (of course.) Yowzaaa.
The ladies were having a ball..by 'ball' I mean 'verbal catfights' and by 'verbal catfights' I mean passing thinly disguised bitchy comments in a very 'la-dee-da' way.
"Muah muah dahhhling, oops! Got an inch of foundation off..sorrrreh dahling!"
"Ooh your hair looks lovely! I absolutely LUUURVE that shade of hair colour, it totttally covers up your grey!"
"Oh your curves are amazing! Now, now thats enough cake! Hee hee."
"Your salwaar is amazing, didn't you get it at that sale? No? Oh my mistake."

Meowrrr pussycats!

One such woman dared to go up against my mom. Too bad she didn't see me standing next to her.
"Oh P, everytime I call you, you're ALWAYS having a beauty nap or you're at the salon ..I see you were really preparing for tonight, huh. Hee hee."
My mom just looked at her like she wanted to say "Wtf, mate?"
I just didn't like her tone of voice.
"Oh aunty, Mom doesn't need the beauty sleep or the salon treatment. She's gorgeous. I can't say the same about some of the women here, hai na?" -Mahi raises an eyebrow, gives her a once over, gives a bitchy smile and never breaks eye contact with the overmade-up cow-
Cow makes some lame excuse and runs off.
Honey, two can play that game.


So after my crime-fighting spree I head to the table, load up my plate and join the guys and I Stop.
Oh shit. Cute guy. Can't stuff face now. Shit shit SHIT. Let him LEAVE.. GO GO GO.
Buuut they start the LOTR movie and I get engrossed in it and start pigging out.
So much for eating like a bird aaand so much for caring what cute guy thinks of me now.
Heh heh
*burp*
Ahh that was good *pats tummy*

Suddenly this Chinese lady, who was at the party bursts into the room and heads straight for me.
After my last conversation, you can't blame me for panicking slightly and hence looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Wahh you're so glam!"
"Err...thank you aunty.."
"Mark my words ah girl..you're going to be famous one day"
*blink*...*blink* *Mahi bleats out a nervous "heh-heh-heh"*
"No, no my predictions always come true!"
"Aunty if I do become famous, I assure you I'll find you and thank you for the heads up."
Ok, so she seems satisfied and she leaves.
Crazy woman deflected with my super crazy-woman-deflecting-power.
Ka-pow!
Wow. I'll do GREAT in the PR business.

My trauma doesn't end there, I wrestle my way through the crowd and FINALLY get to the desert table when my moms friend sidles up next to me and whispers "Godddd Mahi you look amazinggggggg."
*Panic alert up-and-running*
"Er..heh-heh-heh...thank you aunty.."
And then she proceeds to SMACK MY ASS. In front of everyone
Not a pat.
A LOUD RESOUNDING SMACK.

Everyone turns, I'm silently looking down, going red in the face, holding my cup of trifle pudding and thinking "Shit that hurt." and THEN thinking "WTF MATE?!"
And she's there looking mighty proud of herself and grinning like a goddamn crazy woman!
"Sorry I couldn't help myself"
"Heh-heh..its ok..I'd rather you do it than some creep at a club."

And then comes the saddest bit.
The men are suddenly glued to the T.V.
"There have been bomb blasts in Delhi!" Calls out one uncle.
"Oh dear! That's terrible! Dahling come and have some more Biryani." Trills out his wife.
.
.
.
.
Yea..I know.

These people are SO wrapped up in themselves.
It makes me want to smack them with a biryani dish and say "Uncleji's, Auntyji's, lend me your ears- You suck. Your sons are ignorant assholes, your daughters are gossipy 'hoes, Uncleji here is going have a heart attack at the rate he's going and you ma'am...all the plastic surgery in the world can't help you."


Do you know what they'll say to that?
"Ya. Her nailpolish is chipped. Ugh dahling, ugh!"

29 Comments:

Blogger Bachelor did the happy dance and finally said..

1 person said - "Yea Mahi, I love you baby! YEA!"

LOL! Wish you a Happy Diwali !!

1:20 AM  
Blogger Surya Swamy did the happy dance and finally said..

just when I was getting all teary eyed about missing yet another Diwali at home I get this. Made my day. Happy Diwali:)

4:02 AM  
Blogger Rohan Kumar did the happy dance and finally said..

Gosh so many thoughts running thru my mind (mebbe to make up for the fact that I was left speechless after ur last post)
Happy Diwali first of all, I recall u convincing me in beleiving that u couldnt hog much due to the cute guy presence and then this public admission "Heh heh
*burp* Ahh that was good *pats tummy*" Hmmmmm
Also ur mom must have been proud after that perfect riposte and once again stay away from that crazy Prof Trelawney like chinese lady :)

4:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous did the happy dance and finally said..

Mahima u rock .... Burping in a gathering requires some guts ….
I say burp it n taste it rather than fart it n waste it .... u know the best burp U can have is when u have stuffed yourself to maximum and then have a sip of Soda ... trust me it will be loud ....


-Amit

6:24 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

bachelor - thanks babay! =D and welcome! have a great diwali buddy!

surya - thank u dahlink thank you =D send my regards and diwali wishes to your family!

rohan -heheheh itold i was concious..what i didnt say is that it passed pretty quickly haha! man i dont go to these crazy ladies...they come to ME!happy diwali sir =D

amit - oh nono this was a'virtual' burp..i cant burp in real life..serious!
happy diwali!

7:38 AM  
Blogger APOO did the happy dance and finally said..

Mahi, eat away. Nothng like a girl who can square off a meal and hold her own. Eat away!

"Everyone turns, I'm silently looking down, going red in the face..."
errr... u mean red in the butt!

Next time punch the aunty back and say, "Sorry, even I couldnt help myself". By now all the guys at the party (and am sure, some on this blog) think you are cool with butt spanking. So next time... punch back...!! Unless u r actually cool with it.... :P

8:18 AM  
Blogger Medha.. did the happy dance and finally said..

MAHIMA!!! YOU STOLE MY POST!!! LOL.

I was actually gonna write something like this, something along the same line, about these crazy aunties and uncles at parties who are just SO full of themselves!! Sob sob..my post...!!

hehe! Anyways, babes, cant agree with you lesser. Yes their sons are ignorant assholes, and yes the aunties just cant stop embarrassing you in front of the crowd!!!

Shall post that one up sometime later i guess. And babes, a very happy diwali to you! :)

10:25 AM  
Blogger Demi Goddezz did the happy dance and finally said..

Happy Diwali mahi .. Rocking post.. Damn Girl u get only butt spanks.. Im sick n tired of these brady bunches pulling at my hair and cheeks... LOL.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Casablanca did the happy dance and finally said..

Heyyyy... I miss diwali now! Even if it comes as a package with some pompous aunties and no goodlooking guys.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

apoo - arre..if any guy smacks my butt i'll kick him where it hurts the most (unless of course I LIKE the guy..then i'll like the smack too) meanwhile..butt-smacking uncles and aunties..stay AWAY! thanks buddy! *pops in a mithai*

medha - babes! go ahead with the post yaar! after all your blog is for you, at the end of the day, no? =) happy diwali! *hug*

demi - hahah ohhh i know about the cheek pulling...that used to happen to me too..until i grew taller than all the uncles and aunts..they cant reach me now =D

casa - hehe yep...but theyre alll part of the fun (and trauma) happy diwali!!

2:05 PM  
Blogger Grafxgurl did the happy dance and finally said..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! i have to WORK TODAY!!! cant the world STOP killing itself for one day so i can have a break!?!!

sigh... sniff. iwant some biriyani.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

grafx - dont worry babes! ill have some of your behalf =D

8:14 PM  
Blogger Zii did the happy dance and finally said..

"Aye...darling warling kya laga rakha hain...medum boll!"

thats an alternate solution to pmsy aunties and i have a 50000 ml stomach uncles.

n u cud slap her back with double the might and the sound...happy diwali

11:47 PM  
Blogger Webmiztris did the happy dance and finally said..

unfortunately it doesn't sounds much different than our arrogant USA parties!! lol

1:42 AM  
Blogger Drops Of Jupiter did the happy dance and finally said..

Happy Diwali my dear, the blasts are shocking to all of us. But can I still point at you and laugh for having auntyjee smack your butt?

hahahahahhahahahhahahahahhahaaaaaaa

(me too! i have to admit, I'd rather auntyjee than creepy punjabi guy)

2:13 AM  
Blogger Mayank did the happy dance and finally said..

OMG..ur diwali parties come with a personal Chinese Fortune Aunty also :o even though its surprising how she didnt have a message "someone is gonna make you go red in the near future" (might have been a better warning)

"Buuut they start the LOTR movie and I get engrossed in it and start pigging out." perfect movie to pig out on ... i must say :P Totally see where u got all the appetite.. after watching all the Mordor orcs, trolls and the master of the nazgul, who wouldnt be famished (these are the ugly Dark forces serving sauran in the movie)

The poor husbands, having wives with toungues that sharp, you really think they need be threatened with guns? sigh poor ol' fellas

And well i guess the next time one of ur aunties manages to 'smack' ur behind and exclaim "Sorry i couldnt help myself", it would be funny to see her expression if you carried on her sentence by sayin "...just like the extra pounds on yerself ?"

Other than that, it was a pretty amusing post.. especially as i can SO relate it with the people from the place i live at.. "SnobVille" ever so pretentious Dubai. sigh :S

6:06 AM  
Blogger Mint Chutney did the happy dance and finally said..

"your daughters are gossipy 'hoes"

I literally laughed out loud when I read that line.

Very nice Mahi!

9:36 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

zii - i cant slap an older woman! as much as i'd love to...i cant :(

webmiztris - its official! buffoonery and crazy-talk are universal hehe

jups - FINE FINE! LAUGH! i curse thee- may thee get smacked a thousand times on your buttocks by a gaggle of crazy old women-eth. :P

mayank - what can i say mate! violence makes me hungry! woo is dubai really a snobville?? oh well..do what i do...plaster a smile on and go on 'auto-nod' mode ..gluck! =D

minty - thank u dahhhhlink! =D

1:34 PM  
Blogger MaK-D did the happy dance and finally said..

you really know some WEIRD people... how do u not jump in there and make your own version of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" ..."The Singapore chainsaw Massacre"...
Really LOTR...one of the most spectacularly produced, BORING and stupid movies of all time...
We must do something about...myyy preciousss.

1:53 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

mayank - dont u DARE diss my LOTR.
DONT.
YOU.
DAAAAAARE.
;) u know..it does take a certain level of concentration and intellect to appreciate a movie that.
:P
HAHAHAHA

4:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous did the happy dance and finally said..

Virtual is no fun go for the real thing .....
Amit

11:10 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

amit - huh? virtual what? =S

11:40 PM  
Anonymous Rajesh did the happy dance and finally said..

Mayank - No dissing of LOTR!..mine mine!....my precioussssss LOTR...

Mahi - A fan of LOTR...another to be added to you ever growing list of accolades...if you ever decide to change your "policy" do let me knw k! ;)...next time antyji slaps the butt, turn the other cheek :)...sorry, I couldnt help MYSELF (pun intended) hehehe...

Btw, a very happy Diwali :)

PS: I believe Amit is referring to burping my dear.

12:59 AM  
Blogger Yours Truly...Conman did the happy dance and finally said..

I missed diwali this year man... bigtime!
No taash... no sharaab... no dhuan everywhere...
So here it is... Eid Mubarak!

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Ben did the happy dance and finally said..

Someday, I will have to visit Singapore.

It sounds like a "pot luck" at a Baptist Church in the 'States--though we have several dozen of those each year... ;)

5:57 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

rajesh - happy diwali sir! haha yeaaa no LOTR dissers here *glares at mayank* oh so THATS what amit meant....heh heh

conman - awww man! what about mithai? there HAD TO BE mithai. whats 'taash'? eid mubarak to u too =D

ben - jeez one of these parties is hard enough to stomach and u have DOZENS!?u must be a pro at deflecting weirdo's and making smalltalk! :D

11:33 AM  
Blogger aditi did the happy dance and finally said..

HAPPY DIWALI!! :)
ive been to a couple of these potlucks in singapore.. as i have family there.. and know exactly what u mean..

12:47 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

aditi - hi! welcome =) yep the dynamics at these parties are universal :P

1:24 PM  
Blogger Casablanca did the happy dance and finally said..

Taash = cards :)

11:08 PM  

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