23 January, 2006

The One that Flew Away.


Her friends were filming an old uncle near the minimart, asking him serious questions about the education system for their school project.
Holding the camera steadily, she peered into the screen...and her jaw dropped.

Behind the blabbering old man, a boy, about 17 years or so, was standing there, throwing M&M's in the air, with a crazed grin on his face. Sandy brown hair, green eyes, wearing a dirty green uniform.
He stuck out both his middle fingers behind the man's head and the guy didn't even have a clue.
She tried not to laugh but it was too late.
The strange guy was now pretending to fly from one end to the other, all this behind the old geezer who just wouldn't shut up about the virtues of the education system.

"Ok thank you Uncle! You were very helpful."

She switched off the camera and walked up to the boy. "You've spoilt the interview!!"
"Big Fuck. Interview me."

The expletive- filled interview was left out on the editing floor. But she had made a new friend...sort of..


Surprisingly, it wasn't a very hot day. She sat on the bench trying to get the shading of the nose just right, but somehow she couldn't. She was getting tired of erasing and redrawing. Not a lot got under her skin, but not getting proportion right, did.

A movement caught her eye. A flash of dirty green, a jaunty, uneven, hunched walk and then a pause.

Oh. Him. I knew he'd be back at this time, why did I come down. Because you wanted to see him, stupid.
No! Pretend you don't know he's here!!
Don't be DAFT. He knows you know.
....Ok, fine.

She took a small gulp, looked up and looked left.
"Hey.. What are you upto?"
God, his accent.
Her own voice sounded thin and stupidly high-pitched.

This is stupid.

"Lemme see."
Obediently (much to her own annoyance) she got up and thrust the paper, as roughly as possible, into his hands.
He looked at the paper.
She looked at him.

How could anyones eyes be that green?
A Forest. Trees radiating from the pupil. Amazing..
Well proportioned nose..teeth are crooked- charming..so charming..

"This is good.."
She looked at him suspiciously. Since when was he civilised?
She shrugged. "I can't seem to get the nose right.."
He looked intently at the drawing, held his hand out for the pencil and started shading.

"You can draw??"
He just nodded. She continued to look over his shoulder, amazed at how well the nose was turning out.
Why didn't I think of shading it that way??

He suddenly looked up with an extremely serious look on his face.
"Do you want to kiss me?"


He looked down again and started shading.
"Do you want to kiss me?" Head still lowered, still shading.
"The day I kiss you, is the day pigs will fly."
She grinned at looked at his face, expecting a crooked toothed grin in return, but he just kept silent and continued shading.

He handed her the paper. Gave her an odd, small smile and said "You have talent.."
"Thanks! You're pretty good too man!"
He just gave her another small smile, shoulders hunched even more, and walked towards his house.



She hunched over her essay and started feverishly writing.
Ah such peace...such tranquility...such..

"G'day mate."
"Oh..You're here. Buzz off. I'm trying to do work."

You're turning red.

"Want some chocolate?"
"What? No cussing? Why're you being so nice."
"Have some..So...I'm headed back to Australia on the 18th.."

Her face was a blank. Both of them got up and started walking slowly. She turned to him with a bright smile.
"Ok! Hey lets you, me and S head to the beach!"
"Haha..nah ..I'm dressed like a fuckin' Nazi, look at me!"
"So what! Come on.."

He didn't budge, so she came upto him, grabbed his hands and pulled. He still didn't budge.
"Come on, please??Please?"
Her voice wasn't bright anymore, it was forced, almost pleading. She wasn't even smiling.
He pulled her towards him and said softly "I'll keep in touch, I promise.."

A Forest, That Forest...

She started tearing and she didn't even notice.
"We both know you won't...."
A tear rolled down her cheek.
"I will, I promise...."
She shook her head, gave him a watery smile and hugged.

Their first hug.
And last.


Sorry for the long post, guys.

Oh and in case you were wondering... the asshole never kept in touch.

16 January, 2006

I am Woman, Hear Me Roar.

I've had such an amazingly crampalicious day.
Ah the joys of being a woman.
I'm half tempted to say "Bring it ON!" but I think I'll save the enthusiasm for the next 30 years of fun.

I've decided to come up with a new disciplining tactic for Kelso.
Because I've realised that he's starting to bite.
And I ain't talkin' "Ha ha I'm playing! Let me play-bite Mahi!"
Nope. I'm talkin' about "Grrrrr. I wanna take a chunk outta Mahi."

So I read up somewhere that I could use one of those water squirters to shock the dog momentarily while he's in the middle of getting aggressive. It's a tactic that distracts him and works by the way, but more on that later..

So I was talking to Dad and I told him of my new plan and he was like "How did you come up with this?"
So I said "I adaped to the situation, assimilated new information and I decided to implement the aforementioned measures to prevent [my] systems from being damaged." The minute that sentence left my mouth I thought to myself 'Woman. You are watching waaaay too much Voyager for your own good.'
(Have I mentioned before that I think 7 of 9 is so hot??)
Dad just looked at me like I was weird and said "Ahuh. O-kaaay."

Ok, ok so today Kelso once again started to bite my hand a bit too hard. I said "NO!" sharply and Mom said excitedly "I'll bring the water squirter!!"
She ran to get it, came towards Kelso - "Kelso I'm going to squirt you if you don't stop!!"
Of course he didn't stop...
So she says "Here goes!"
Presses the trigger......

And squirts herself in the face.

I'm not exaggerating when I say this - I can't remember the last time I laughed hard enough for actual tears to roll down my face!
Kelso stopped biting, looked at Mum and cocked his head to side as if to say "Ladies, I don't know how this is supposed to work but I am pretty sure that was meant for me, no?"

Those of you who think I'm a screw-up, after you read this you'll realise that the gene for screwing up runs in my family.

Yup..we are women alright.

Hear us Roar, baby!

Oh, and like, be scared...very scared.


09 January, 2006

Resistance Is Futile.

By nature, I'm a curious person.
Curious about why people act the way they do. This is the answer I give people when they ask me why I'm studying Psychology.

You meet all sorts in your life.

There are the types who'll say something nasty. Just for the sake of it. It's not brought on by anything or anyone, it's uncalled for, it's sometimes inhumane.
It's happened to me loads of times. And when it does happen I'm not saddened or upset. Nope. I'm curious.
I need to know why. Why be nasty?
This question used to drive me crazy. I mean, just thinking about the variables involved used to boggle my mind- Did I do something to precipitate this response? Maybe the person had a bad day? Maybe all the person needs is a good dump?

Thankfully experience is an amazing teacher.
Experience has taught me that some people don't need a reason.
For some people it's a habit. For some people being nasty is a way of life.
And sometimes its an simple as this - some people are just assholes.

See what I've realised is this -people who can't keep a lid on it are stupid. Yup just downright stupid. Being nasty is a waste of effort, it's a waste of time, it burns bridges. And I'm so against all that you know. And being nasty simply demonstrates ones inability to deal- with YOUR issues.
Being nasty is self defeating.

So nasty people out there- Don't be stupid. You can't fool people into thinking you're better just because you're snarkier.
And you know it.

Oh and Ms D passed away last night.

05 January, 2006

Lunch with 40-Something Blonde Indian Bimbos.

The other day my mum asked me to with her to Aunty N's house for lunch.
"Come along Mahi! Aunty H and Aunty J will be there too..it'll be fun! Aunty H loves talking to you..come..the food will be good too!"
I wanted to say Aunty H loves smacking my arse too, but that would've have opened up a whole can of traumatising worms, so I let it go and decided to go along with mum.

(Before I go on, let me introduce the characters - There's me, My mum, Aunty H- the yogic space cadet of the group, Aunty N- a overworked neurotic bundle of nerves and Aunty J- boisterous and loud, look up the meaning of 'A bull in a China Shop' and you'll see her picture there.)

So, we arrived and Aunty H was there but no sign of Aunty J, so we decided to start lunch without her.
What followed after the four of us sat down, I cannot understand...see if you can-

Aunty N : H! Have some daal! Come let me put some daal!
Aunty H : Hey I need a good dentist..
Mum : Oh go to my dentist at XYZ Dental, they're excellent! Very cheap too..the Dentist is an *drops voice to a whisper* Indian (as if that explains it all) What dentist do you go to??

-Mahi just quietly spoons some food onto her plate-
Aunty H : God I can't possibly eat so much! My company sends me a letter everytime I put on weight! Can you believe that?? I always get a letter everytime I return from my holiday at India.

-Mahi is aghast as she has never heard of such a thing-
Aunty N : H! Have some more paneer!!

-Begin whispering stage-
Mahi : Mum..where does Aunty H work at??
Mum : Oh no idea!
Mahi : But you've known her for 5 years :S
Mum : Oh we've always had other things to talk about!
-End whispering stage. Mahi resumes eating and listening-

Aunty N : P (my mum) !How's the paneer??
Mum : OH exxxxcellent!
Aunty H : But the daal is good too!! Yes??

At this point it seemed imperative that we agree with Aunty N, coz she looked like she'd pop a vein if we disagreed.

Mum : OH yes yes!
Mahi : -Nods violently out of sheer fear- Excellent food! Amazing! Wow.
Aunty N : Mahi have one more chapathi! -offloads two chapathis onto my plate, despite violent objections-

At this point Aunty H stops eating, rests her head on her two joined hands..and stares at me from her big, satellite dish-like eyes and just smiles. I swear sometimes I think the only thing in that woman's head is an echo.

Aunty H : P...get her married ya!

-Mahi chokes, Mum splutters, Aunty N busies herself with offloading more food onto our plates. She is relentless-
Mum : She's too young!
Aunty H : My sister sells jewellery!
Aunty N : You know I put tandoori masala in this daal!

All three ladies stop and look at me...
Mahi : Um..yea? Wow! That's amazing. - Nods and gratified smiles all around-
They all seem to be satisfied with my answer and each carries on having a conversation with herself.

Did ANY of that make sense to you??? I haven't edited out chunks of convo or anything..this is literally how it went!

Then Aunty J came. Big, grand, majestic, loud Aunty J swished into the room dressed like tarot card reader.

Aunty J : Tuk (Potato Patties) ! Give me my Tuk!
Aunty N : But I didn't make Tuk J! Have some brownies!
Aunty J : WHAT?! I CAME FOR THE TUK!! STUPID! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THERE WAS NO TUK! What brownies! Stupid! You made such a horrible cake last time! No sugar! No taste! No nothing! I couldn't even EAT one bite!
Aunty N : -whimpering- but I put Equal in the cake last time..
Aunty J : Kai ka Equal ! [What nonsense Equal! ] Give me proper sugar! Not your stupid Equal!!
(While this was going on Mum and Aunty H were conversing with each other about completely different things.)

This scolding went on for a while. Aunty J definitely was enjoying torturing Aunty N. Aunty N was shitting bricks, people. She quivered and promised Aunty J she would make whatever she wanted the next time they had lunch. Aunty J seemed placated and grunted in approval.

You want entertainment?
I say screw the movies.
Go with your mum to a ladies lunch. You'll experience a whole variety of emotions - fear, joy, pain, happiness, sadness, anger, anxiety...you'll laugh and you'll cry with them.

And here's some advice : When in doubt, always..and I mean ALWAYS Nod and Smile..And pray that Aunty J gets her Tuk soon.

Real soon.

03 January, 2006

That Discovery-Event Crew-Teacher Chick? She's Hot.

Well I hope everyones New Year is off to a great start!

Today was the last day of work for me, and I know I whined like an idiot about it but I really started loving that place!
Everyone from the office chipped in and bought me a lovely necklace and a pair of earrings ..and then asked me to wear it, and then said I looked like a Princess.
It takes so little to make me happy, its almost sad!

But you know as I was sitting at my desk and surfing er..working, I thought back on the other jobs I had before..
There was the job from hell. This ended badly- a bad shoe bite and a broken friendship.

But before that there was the nicer job - As a substitute teacher at my old secondary school. All the teachers recognised me (seriously..how can you forget someone like me :P).
There was one teacher in particular who always had like REALLY bad breath..you know the sort of breath you have when you don't brush your teeth and then say "Hmm let's see..how can I make my breath even worse? Oh I know! I'll have some fish..or should I have raw eggs? Oh what the hell! I'll have both!"

So I went to talk to her about the job and I was talking (trying very hard to not come within breath-smelling distance of her) when she suddenly interrupted me with a wave of her hand "You're very beautiful you know" and then stared intensely at my face.
At this point, memories of this lady giving my best friend a traumatising smack across her bum popped into my mind.
The only thing going through my mind at that moment was 'Oh please don't touch my bum, please please dont touch my bum.'
But she didnt, so PHEW.
So after that she asked me to get her a file from a high cupboard and while I was trying to reach it, she says "I never noticed before but you have very nice legs..."
-cue nervous laughter from Mahi-
"Heh..heh heh...heh....thanks Ms D."
-frantically pulls skirt to make it look longer while Ms D's back is turned-

So much uncomfortable sexual innuendo later, I finally got my timetable, marched upto the Secondary 1 (that's 7th grade for my non-Singaporean friends) class and entered.
Slight digression - Remember those bitchy teachers who'd make you quake in your boots the minute they entered? Yea? Well, it was MY turn now.
"Stand. And greet me."
-Mahi turns back and writes her name on the board (with a great flourish at the end)-
The class just sits there..
"Gooood morning Miss R."
"Good Morning. I have work for you to do. There is to be no noise whatsoever."
-Class starts mumbling..noise level rises-
"Seriously. You guys are thirteen. Do you think you could handle keeping quiet for 5 minutes? No? Apparently not. Ok 2?? Try keeping a lid on it for two minutes..I won't ask more of you."
Aaaand there was blissful silence for the rest of the period.
Oh I had 'em quakin' alright!

I know...I'm terrible .

But I got my comeuppance.
Next class I was minding was another Sec 1 class. It was Math period and they had nothing to do.
Mr K, my Sec 1 Math teacher walked in and said "OK, let me teach them something since they have nothing to do."
"Now girls...this is a pawallelogwam. The formula for calculating the area is.."
Suddenly he stops, turns to me, gives a small smile and says "You had trouble with this, remember?"
Holy SHIT, the guy actually remembered that I had problems with area and volume calculations!!!

Oh and unfortunately for me, the Literature teacher whom I got demoted (it's a long story) was still around..and if looks could kill I'd be dead, chopped and my body pieces would be scattered across Singapore, by now.

Being there on the other side really put things in a whole new perspective for me. I realised you have to be SUPER dedicated to teaching to actually envision yourself doing this for the next 10, 20 , 30 years.
Also teachers need to get a life sometimes.
(To the teachers out there reading this, I'm sorry I know this sounds like a sweeping statement but I've had a few teachers themselves tell me that joining the teaching profession is an extremely efficient way of killing your social life.)

So anyway, this is what I learnt:

1) Teachers aren't dumb. They know you're smsing someone/reading something/doing something you're not supposed to be doing, under your table. If you don't get caught, don't congratulate yourself..you didn't get caught because they couldn't be bothered to catch you.
2) Teachers DO gossip about students. They do it alarmingly often. The gossip is as mean as it is in any other place or in any other situation.
3) Don't go to the school counsellor with your problems. You're better off telling it to someone who won't gleefully tell the next teacher she comes across. I hope this was just a one off case at the school I was at.
4) You know that teacher whom you think is always out to get you? Yea..you're not being paranoid. She IS out to get you.
5) Staff toilets are way cleaner. Because they get cleaned more often. Also, the toilet paper gets replenished more often.

Woo got a bit sidetracked there..

I know I promised photos in my previous post, but I realised I look like crap in the Xmas pics, so...I'm not putting any up =)

So how was everyone else's start to the year?
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