Adventures of Blonde Mom (Episode 254) and Happy Birthday (in advance) Minku!

So I was watching a video of Kelso doing tricks and chuckling away to glory..
Small digression: If you must know I spend a disturbingly large amount of time talking to my dog, listening to him (yes, my dog speaks to me and NO, I'm not crazy), watching him, playing with him, cleaning up his poop (no job is constantly filled with rainbows and butterflies, my friends), looking at his baby pictures/videos, etc etc.

I digress, I digress.

So I'm watching the video and my Mom comes over to see what its about. She stands there, watching it for about 7 seconds and goes:

"You know, it's so weird, but that dog looks EXACTLY like Kelso!"

"............ yes, Mom. It's a miracle."

(The truth hit her 10 minutes later. Yes, we're all about delayed gratification and slow reactions in my house)

And you guys wonder why I'm so odd. Now you know where I get it from.

***

Speaking of contented, last night Kelso (yes, him again) and I were lying down the bed and he does the sweetest thing.
He snuggles upto me, buries his face into my neck, gives a long contented sigh and sleeps.

Happiness-filled goosebumps!

If you've ever wondered where Heaven on Earth is, lemme tell ya - it's all around you (and in a can. Seriously, there's a drink brand here called 'Heaven on Earth')

***
And speaking of good times, I want to wish my lovely friend, my partner in crime, and my pretend boyfriend Minku - A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY (in advance)
(It's actually tomorrow..I'm wishing her now coz I'd rather be early in wishing her than late..and knowing me I'll forget tomorrow.)

Mink, you're such an amazing person and a friend. Thank you so much for being there for me.
This is going to sound so lesbian, but you're the perfect date! Everytime we meet, be it for coffee or parties or whatever, you're a never ending source of affection and tons of fun.

Goes to show eh? First impressions can be wrong. I would've never guessed I'd find a friend for life in you. Here's to many many years of love, laughter and good health.
-clink-
(that was fruit juice because you don't drink alcohol)


Be good, everyone!

No Meat, No Cry

I'm sorry everyone I know it's been ages since I posted..thank you everyone who's been pushing me to post :P
I've had guests coming over since April, it's quite literally been non stop.

Okay back to the gossip!

Vegetarians in Singapore, please do learn how to say 'No meat' or 'vegetarian' in Chinese.

Mink and I ate out at this place TP recently. TP is one of those places that we go to all the time and its always interesting because every time you order the same dish, it always comes to you tasting like something completely different! Not only does it taste different, it also looks different. We still go there, coz hey! It keeps things interesting.

But that's the least of the Vegetarian's worries.
We usually order 2 plates of noodles and 2 plates of tofu.

Genius Mink learns how to order food in Chinese but forgets the term for 'vegetarian' and 'no meat' (Keep in mind these waitresses are usually Thai or from mainland China.) So first we have to get past the hurdle of letting the waitress know that we want NO MEAT in it
This is usually accomplished by first repeating somewhere between 8 to 500 times that there should be no meat - i.e no fish, no chicken, no beef, no lamb, no nothing-that-has-a-circulatory system-and-eyes, in the dish.


In our numerous and unfortunate experiences, that usually doesn't work.

So we move on to hand gestures, which is actually a lot more funnier and embarrassing than it sounds.
All this has to be done when ordering the tofu AND the noodles. So altogether we go through this ordeal twice.

So after all that lovely foreplay, our noodles arrive, I take one bite and I think 'The tofu here is a lot more chewy than I remember..and so much more flavorful too! Aaaaaaarrrrrgh'

We send that back, and in the mean time our tofu dishes arrive.

It looks dodgy.
I try one misshapen piece of tofu and yep, once again the cooks have decided that they don't like vegetarians on this particular night and hence must try, very evil-ly, all possible means to get us to ingest meat.

We order a sauce and weirdly enough, even THAT has meat in it.
:S

Are they out to get us or what? Why can't they just leave us be?
I know..the cooks were also probably wondering the same thing.

SO once again, we send the tofu back.

Our NEW plate of noodles arrives..this time its a sad pile. We must've obviously pissed off the cooks coz it looked and tasted like they had just boiled it and threw in a few sorry pieces of cabbage and egg. The tofu comes too and I can taste the hatred in it.

Well, whatever. We're too hungry to care now.
Hey at least it's vegetarian! We take what we can get here.

This has happened at TP so many times, I've lost count.

Singapore is so terribly unfriendly towards vegetarians. I've gotten used to ignoring the random piece of chicken in my dish every now and then. I've altogether stopped visiting fastfood places coz Fries are not my idea of food (comfort food, maybe).

Get with the Vegetarian program, Singapore.
Oh, and all you meat-eating barbarians are going to HELL, I tell ya, HELL!

Wedding Invites, anyone?

Okay, so here's what was happening - My darling friend Mink's sister is getting married, so it naturally fell upon her to do the delivering of the wedding invites. And me being the darling that I am, I offered to keep her company.
.
.
.
Boy...I'm not kidding when I say that had to be the single most entertaining day of my LIFE!

Before I launch into The Story, I must lay some groundwork-
1) I never realised before that it was customary to offer (forcefeed?) sweets and other savouries to the deliverers of the invites..I was soon made aware of this custom.
2) Older Indian men talk A LOT.
3) When in doubt about what is being said, it is wise to always smile and nod. Do NOT make them explain what they say, for they will do so in Great Detail.
4) I think the talking fatigued me more than the travelling (which was done in a car- airconditioned). We must have spent about an average of 40 minutes in each house.
5) Most importantly- never ever EAT before visiting. At the end of such trips, you will feel as if you are bursting at the seams. It's very unflattering.

Okay let's start at the start.


First house we visited was fine.

Second house was NOT fine.
At home was a Sindhi man. Between 60-65 years of age. Balding. Nice straight teeth (dentures?). Talked alot. In Sindhi, of which I only understood a smattering.
So we came in, Mink, him and I exchanged the usual pleasantaries..and then it began.

To say that this man was proud of his house, was a gross understatement.

In between dumping food into our unwilling hands, he showed us every nook and cranny (newly furnished), every bedsheet and pillowcover (always matching) , every cupboard and drawer (brown with gold lines), every toiletseat and towel hanger (green with sea shells on the inside), every drink (a lot, he made a couple of drink jokes which I didn't get), every God picture (drinks and God pictures were in the same cupboard, which I thought was a little retarded and blasphemous), every light switch (seriously he felt the need to give us a demo. come on man,how hard can it be to understand a light switch), down to the drawer handles and the type of cutlery (from Japan) he had...God he showed us EVERYTHING in it's mind numbing detail.

With great glee he showed us his massage chair. He hopped into it. I'm serious. He Hopped..like a kid with ADHD, laid down straight and pressed a button. The leg rest shot out, his slippers flew and hit the TV and the back rest went all the way back.
And all the while he had this scary, crazed smile.

He then gave us some chips to eat and disappeared for two minutes.
Mink: Let's pretend like we're eating it
Mahi: Okay!
-Rustling of bag, "Mmm this is delicious!", noisy dusting off of hands-
Our sneaky ploy didn't work. He came back with MORE food and I'm not joking when I say this...he forced the sweets into my MOUTH. He bypassed the hands altogether.

He then started talking to me in rapid Sindhi. I just smiled sweetly, waited for him to finish and then I said "I'm not Sindhi."
He looked put off.
Then we got saved by the bell..literally. Some furniture guys were at the door..this was our chance!
We bid him goodbye, he didn't really notice, he was too busy being annoyed at the furniture guys..so we left..with chocolate wafers in our hands (which we later disposed off because we were too full and they had gone soft.)


Next house we went to had this nice lady. She has two sons - X1 and X2. Mink told her about the wedding and how people were putting up dances. Then Mink said "Aunty, get X2 to do a dance!"
My smile froze and I turned to Stare at Mink. Did she not recall.......
"I mean, X1 is so good at dancing, we saw him dance last time at so-and-so function..I'm sure X2 can dance as well as him!"
Mother vociferously agreed.
My smile was still frozen. Apparently Mink recalled....that X1 danced...like he had hit an invisible electric fence.
She turned and smiled at me. I still don't know how that cow could control her laughter..just thinking of X1's maniacal dancing sends me into hysterics..but I bit my tongue, nodded and diplomatically said "Yes. X1 dances well."
Mother vociferously agreed again.

Oh how I cursed Mink.


The next house we went to, had a chatty old man who was married to a young thang.
When I say 'chatty' I actually mean 'didn't-shut-the-hell-up-for-5-seconds'
He asked Mink when her turn for marriage would be and she gave him a vague answer and then he turned to me
"And you??"
"Haha, I honestly have no idea, I have to find me a man first!"
"Oh come on! You're so pretty and with your personality, you shouldn't have a problem!"
"You'd be surprised." I chuckled and shrugged..and then thought 'Well, he's RIGHT.'

It was then when he took it upon himself to be the Seeker Of My Groom.
He said "Tell me when you're ready -wink- I already have a boy in mind."
I laughed and said "Thank you.." and then laughed some more when I thought of my mother's reaction to finding out that I was getting married to a Sindhi boy found by a complete Sindhi stranger.
His wife however, whispered with great Hostility "Uske liye already ek ladki hai." (We already have a girl for him.)
He just waved off what she said and continued to look very pleased with himself.
After a l0ng talk about the political scene in Singapore, psychiatry and psychology and husbandry, we left.

(I must say I was very impressed that none of the people went "OOoh! So you can read my mind!" when I told them I studied psychology. If I had heard anyone say that ONE MORE TIME, I'd have gone NUTS and said "That's called being 'psychic'. Dumbass." )


The next house we visited was one of a popular man. He wasn't home so we had a little talk with the wife. She was handsome, simple and spoke well. Her eyes and smile held great intelligence and humanity in them. I felt immense respect for her.
She told us sadly that if she had a choice she would have never got married at all.
"I'n pretty sure Uncle loves me, but I'm indifferent." She said very matter-of-factly.
She cautioned us against entering marriages with our favourite pair of rose-tinted glasses on..."..but I'm jaded already"
She smiled wistfully.

She told us horror stories about her mother-in-law and she said she told her kids that they didnt have to get married at all...hearing such things that were polar opposites of everything that I had grown up hearing, was a bit of a shock.
I felt sad for her because I felt she deserved better. Sure, no one needs to be in a great marriage to be happy but I couldn't help feeling that she was someone who badly wanted to know love, even now.
My own parents, who've had their usual tiffs, are still very much in love.
But it was good for both Mink and I to hear about what she had been through. I think we received an important education in those 45 minutes..the mood was very serious.
We bid her goodbye and gave her a hug.


The best visit was the one where no one was home. We passed the invite to the maid, and high fived each other.

We visited more houses, but those had some semblance of normalcy that we were used to.
But the men still talked incessantly. And they still insisted we eat.



I honestly think the talking fatigued me the most. And the smiling. The constant smiling made my face muscles feel like they were going to drop dead.
I went to bed, and I think the second my head touched the pillow, I fell asleep.
I had the most seamless, deep sleep I had ever had in a long time.

I got my Viiiiiisa!

As the title hints...I GOT MY AUSSIE VISA!
Woohooo!!!

Now I know a lot of you are going "Big deal" but trust me ..it is.

You see I don't have much luck when it comes to all this ticketing and visa business, mostly because I often forget to bring along a couple of important documents or I arrive late or I forget to confirm my tickets or I end up with psycho travel agents..which reminds me of how ballistic the agent went coz I blamed him for not being a competent agent (well I didn't say THAT word-for-word but I said it nicely..)

Anyway he started screaming and shouting and all that time I was staring, petrified, at the 3 menacing clay Eagle figurines behind him...he looked like he could turn around at any minute, grab one figurine at a time and hurl it straight at mine, Mink's and Arpu's heads, knocking us down like bowling pins...
And thats some scary shit.

And then there's the evil bitch of a visa officer at the Aussie embassy...you would think that the Aussie's being such friendly, outgoing people would have a friendly, outgoing officer but NOOOO.
This one was capable of shrivelling up balls with one look.
She's the same officer I got last year too..and she made my life hell. I was there at the embassy so often that even the guards started giving me sympathetic looks.

But this time I went prepared.
Yessiree.
I made list after list after list and I checked it twice.

While I was waiting for my turn I saw her execute her ball-shrivelling stare at a poor foreign student.
"Evidence of funds?? But I'm carrying this much money with me! Why didn't you tell me I had to bring an evidence-of-funds letter??"

Ahhh my Indian brother. That shrivelled ball looks painful.

I felt really bad for him, but I did chuckle a bit too coz the expression on his face was really funny. I know. I'm going to hell.
Oh wait. I was in hell last year!
It's called THE AUSSIE EMBASSY!

OK but anyway I got my visa there and then..she was SO looking for a something to trip me up, but ha-ha visa bitch - I OUTSMARTED YOU!
Can't touch this na-nana-na, can't touch this

I want to extend a hearty 'THANK YOU' and 'I LOVE YOUUUU' to Mink who faithfully accompanied me...I think she was the good luck charm..even though she said "Mahi I was so expecting you to come back and say 'Goddamit!! I can't believe I forgot THAT document!! Arrrrrrrgh!!!!I'll KILL that visa-bitch!!!!' "

WOohoo Australia, here I come (for real this time)
I can't wait.


About 6 weeks left...

I think I'll start packing.


=D