05 January, 2006

Lunch with 40-Something Blonde Indian Bimbos.

The other day my mum asked me to with her to Aunty N's house for lunch.
"Come along Mahi! Aunty H and Aunty J will be there too..it'll be fun! Aunty H loves talking to you..come..the food will be good too!"
I wanted to say Aunty H loves smacking my arse too, but that would've have opened up a whole can of traumatising worms, so I let it go and decided to go along with mum.


(Before I go on, let me introduce the characters - There's me, My mum, Aunty H- the yogic space cadet of the group, Aunty N- a overworked neurotic bundle of nerves and Aunty J- boisterous and loud, look up the meaning of 'A bull in a China Shop' and you'll see her picture there.)

So, we arrived and Aunty H was there but no sign of Aunty J, so we decided to start lunch without her.
What followed after the four of us sat down, I cannot understand...see if you can-

Aunty N : H! Have some daal! Come let me put some daal!
Aunty H : Hey I need a good dentist..
Mum : Oh go to my dentist at XYZ Dental, they're excellent! Very cheap too..the Dentist is an *drops voice to a whisper* Indian (as if that explains it all) What dentist do you go to??

-Mahi just quietly spoons some food onto her plate-
Aunty H : God I can't possibly eat so much! My company sends me a letter everytime I put on weight! Can you believe that?? I always get a letter everytime I return from my holiday at India.

-Mahi is aghast as she has never heard of such a thing-
Aunty N : H! Have some more paneer!!

-Begin whispering stage-
Mahi : Mum..where does Aunty H work at??
Mum : Oh no idea!
Mahi : But you've known her for 5 years :S
Mum : Oh we've always had other things to talk about!
-End whispering stage. Mahi resumes eating and listening-

Aunty N : P (my mum) !How's the paneer??
Mum : OH exxxxcellent!
Aunty H : But the daal is good too!! Yes??

At this point it seemed imperative that we agree with Aunty N, coz she looked like she'd pop a vein if we disagreed.

Mum : OH yes yes!
Mahi : -Nods violently out of sheer fear- Excellent food! Amazing! Wow.
Aunty N : Mahi have one more chapathi! -offloads two chapathis onto my plate, despite violent objections-

At this point Aunty H stops eating, rests her head on her two joined hands..and stares at me from her big, satellite dish-like eyes and just smiles. I swear sometimes I think the only thing in that woman's head is an echo.

Aunty H : P...get her married ya!

-Mahi chokes, Mum splutters, Aunty N busies herself with offloading more food onto our plates. She is relentless-
Mum : She's too young!
Aunty H : My sister sells jewellery!
Aunty N : You know I put tandoori masala in this daal!

All three ladies stop and look at me...
Mahi : Um..yea? Wow! That's amazing. - Nods and gratified smiles all around-
They all seem to be satisfied with my answer and each carries on having a conversation with herself.


Did ANY of that make sense to you??? I haven't edited out chunks of convo or anything..this is literally how it went!

Then Aunty J came. Big, grand, majestic, loud Aunty J swished into the room dressed like tarot card reader.

Aunty J : Tuk (Potato Patties) ! Give me my Tuk!
Aunty N : But I didn't make Tuk J! Have some brownies!
Aunty J : WHAT?! I CAME FOR THE TUK!! STUPID! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THERE WAS NO TUK! What brownies! Stupid! You made such a horrible cake last time! No sugar! No taste! No nothing! I couldn't even EAT one bite!
Aunty N : -whimpering- but I put Equal in the cake last time..
Aunty J : Kai ka Equal ! [What nonsense Equal! ] Give me proper sugar! Not your stupid Equal!!
(While this was going on Mum and Aunty H were conversing with each other about completely different things.)


This scolding went on for a while. Aunty J definitely was enjoying torturing Aunty N. Aunty N was shitting bricks, people. She quivered and promised Aunty J she would make whatever she wanted the next time they had lunch. Aunty J seemed placated and grunted in approval.




You want entertainment?
I say screw the movies.
Go with your mum to a ladies lunch. You'll experience a whole variety of emotions - fear, joy, pain, happiness, sadness, anger, anxiety...you'll laugh and you'll cry with them.


And here's some advice : When in doubt, always..and I mean ALWAYS Nod and Smile..And pray that Aunty J gets her Tuk soon.

Real soon.

25 Comments:

Blogger Mandar did the happy dance and finally said..

:)) ROTFL

too good...!!

1:02 AM  
Blogger Rohan Kumar did the happy dance and finally said..

That's indeed a blockbuster in the making for sure, in fact I cant believe you are even cribbing at being given a box seat to it all ;)

1:34 AM  
Blogger surbhi seth did the happy dance and finally said..

Mahi....screw entertainment indeed...just browse Mahi's blogs every once in a while!!! Sheer entertainment at madamemahima@blogspot.com I say!
U know, I actually looked up 'A Bull in a China Shop'!?! (I dunno why)
But, you're right! From most my 'aunty' experiences, I've actually enjoyed listening to lots of yelling at compaints and criticism..all in good nature, while I'd just be there, witnessing everything and at the same time I'd be downing those desserts!=D

2:06 AM  
Blogger Miz BoheMia did the happy dance and finally said..

Have you been hanging around my house? Nutty, nutty, nutty... welcome to my world!

4:59 PM  
Blogger Medha.. did the happy dance and finally said..

Ah tell me abt it!!!

And these aunties ALWAYS manage to leave u speechless or with a "WTF" expression on ur face. And its scary how some of them start reminding you of which guy was checking you out at some party..I mean, HOW THE HELL DID SHE KNOW??!?!?! :S

*shuddeerrrsss*

BTW, very colorful post!! ;)

And sorry babes...but the BlogTale tag IS comin' ur way!! :p

Oh another thing, i think i saw ur bro at the airport the other day... hmm..like on monday??? Was he at the airport early morning...ard sevenish or eightish?? Hmm, im really not sure.. mayb it was him..

5:18 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

mandar - u say too good..i say 'too confusing!' :P

rohan - are u kidding?? i was sitting right next to aunty J..u have no idea how frightening that is!

surbz - thank u :P ure too kind! heheh yea it was all in good nature of course but man it was hilarious! these women are nuts!

miz - told ya! things arent so different down here no siree..loads of food and loud talking!

medha -ure JOKING ahahaahah your aunt told u that??
arghh nooo ill spoil the blog tale if i do it! and yea it was my brother at the airport! he was dropping off his friend...how do u even know what my bro looks like???:S

8:05 PM  
Blogger couchpotato did the happy dance and finally said..

:lol: Too good, as Mandar says. :)))

9:19 PM  
Blogger Medha.. did the happy dance and finally said..

Arrey u had posted a pic of him on ur blog sometime na...and also, the fren i was seeing off is also from hindi school..and she and i kept looking at your bro, trying to figure where have we seen him cos he looked freakin' familiar.

And suddenly she exclaimed, "Arrey!!! He was in hindi schoool!!".....whereas i exclaimed, "Arrey!!! This is Mahi's bro!!"...Lol.

I am really good with remembering faces, thats why i recognised him instantly! :)

9:24 PM  
Blogger Medha.. did the happy dance and finally said..

And no im NOT joking about one of the anuties reminding me about a guy who sorta came up to me and striked a convo with me at one of the parties! Sneeky people these aunties! Sigh!!

9:26 PM  
Blogger Jenna Howard did the happy dance and finally said..

I could so see this. Mahi - eyes wide, frantically shovelling food in mouth so she doesn't have to speak.

I shall never complain about having to spend time with my mom & her friends. Uh-uh. I've been redeemed.

Huh. Tuk is in my verification code. Go figure.

11:34 PM  
Blogger Jay did the happy dance and finally said..

God, that was confuuuuuusing! My head hurts. All the different colours didn't help either!

So what exactly does Aunty H work as? I can only guess... modelling, or or trolley-dollying.

3:47 AM  
Blogger Menagerie did the happy dance and finally said..

Whoa! Colorful aunts really.

You know I have similar situations where like 2 Aunts were talking to me at the same time, on totally different topics and my head literally did the tennis match left-right head movement. God save us from Aunty eccentricities :)

5:27 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

couchie - :P i still say too confusing!

medha - ehehe so u DID see my bro! yea ...these aunties dont miss a thing...theyre worse than teachers!

jenna - i was just trying to keep VERY.STILL.
no quick movements...no noise...i was just quietly eating my food and trying to remain inconspicuous..alas..that didn't quite work..lol ure joking about the verification code!!!!

jay - but i colour coded the characters to reduce the confusion!!! i think aunty H works as a yoga instructor..she's adorable that woman, but a space cadet if i ever saw one!

menagerie - yea theyre all insane!!! i wouldnt be surprised if we find out later on that they're all suffering from ADHD.
i mean they wouldnt even stick to the topics that THEY came up with! and i so know what u mean about the tennis-match-spectator thing. i TOTALLY felt like one!

11:00 AM  
Blogger Jenna Howard did the happy dance and finally said..

Nope, it was there Mahi. A while ago I had YYC which is the airport code for Calgary. I was all "I'm going on a trip?" Alas...no.

Yes, it's always safe for the prey to blend in with the surroundings. It's the lionesses who do the hunting you know. Mm-hm. You need camoflauge. Something that would allow you to blend in with the furniture or wallpaper if it's around. The trembling of your spoon probably gave away your location.

12:09 PM  
Blogger Casablanca did the happy dance and finally said..

Chapati, daal, paneer, brownies!
And you are complaining because.....????

Stop listening to them. Enjoy the food. And send me some here ;)

1:40 PM  
Blogger Metria did the happy dance and finally said..

hahahahahhahaha hilarious.... there's always these kinds of aunties in every family, eh?

Happy New Year by the way!

2:53 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

jenna -loollllll you're mad! but im like that too sometimes..when i was prepping for my australia trip, i heard a song by aussie band 'jet' followed by nelly furtado's 'im like a bird' and concluded that i indeed going to get my visa approved to australia.
(it was approved btw!)
the next time i go for a ladies lunch im just gonna jump in and have a conversation with myself..i think thats the only way of remaining inconspicuous and avoiding detection..

casa - hahaha i would have but you're too late! Aunty N successfully offloaded all the food! there was nary a morsel in sight!

metria - oh these aunties arent related to me...but you should see the ones that are..hoo boy.
im worried that these insane tendencies are genetic!

4:07 PM  
Blogger Jenna Howard did the happy dance and finally said..

Mahi - that made me chuckle out loud. You're nuts. Just...nuts. lol. You could show up in Dominatrix wear. That would get you out of going to the next luncheon.

I abhor flying. Everytime I'm about to get on a plane the following movies are on t.v.: Labamba, Alive or any other movie with a plane crash. If I go where there's an ocean or I fly over water: Jaws. I take it as a sign. Sigh.

3:26 AM  
Blogger Metria did the happy dance and finally said..

You've been tagged :P

8:18 AM  
Blogger Mint Chutney did the happy dance and finally said..

LOL

I personally know 2 yoga instructors quite well and they are complete complete space cadets although they are both freakishly flexible.

Which one is blond?

11:25 PM  
Blogger Webmiztris did the happy dance and finally said..

lmao - this is why women scare me!!

6:36 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

jenna - dominatrix!!?my mom would lock me up in a room until a good boy from india came along to marry me!

metria - noooooooooooo et tu metria?

minty - hahaha none!! but i started wondering like dawn did..'are we all blonde underneath all that dark hair'? it was crazzzy

dawn - oh honey..u have to BE THERE to experience the fear that i felt!!

7:25 AM  
Blogger Humour and last laugh did the happy dance and finally said..

Banality is what you have mostly,
between the occasional brilliance.
disliking banality is to say,
that you value excellence.

11:05 AM  
Blogger Leigh did the happy dance and finally said..

I got so hungry reading that! I haven't had indian food in so long! I had Thai the other nite, and had a curry dish among others ...but it just won't do.

I come from a large filipino family on my mother's side, so I understand the dynamtic with those crazy women! hehehe But ya gotta luv 'em.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Leigh did the happy dance and finally said..

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12:30 PM  

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