21 November, 2006

School Stories- Part 2- Crazy Mrs. T

I spent a long time looking at myself in the mirror today (yes, even longer than usual).
Specifically at my nose.
Yes, The Nose.
Always with The Nose.

I frowned at the mark that Kelso's vicious little teeth had left on my already slightly-disfigured nose.
You see, I love sneaking up on him, and then incessantly sniffing at his face.
He hates it. With an exasperated yelp he turns to shoo me away- in the process knocking his canine against my nose (hence the mark) and slightly stunning me with his his high pitched yelp (you know like how fish get stunned by high pitched squeaks emitted by whales?).

Gingerly touching my nose, I found myself wondering if my own kids would cause me this much bodily harm.
And then thinking about kids made me recall what a teacher told me about having babies.

Let's go for a walk down memory lane, shall we?
The year was 2000 and I was in 9th grade.
My English teacher- Mrs T, jauntily walks into the room, throws her stuff on her table, proceeds to stand in front of classroom, puts her hand on her hips and says :
"Okay so my husband and I had sex and now I'm pregnant."

-Cue stunned silence-
40 girls stunned into silence. Do you know how rare that is?

"Yep. I'm pregnant. And yes I still have sex at my age."

-Cue slow, hesitant, cautious clapping-

You see we here at uptighty, prudish Singapore convents didn't always have 40-something year old teachers bombarding us with this sorta info. It was new. We needed time to digest what we had just heard.
"That's great Mrs T!"
"Congrats, Mrs T!"
"Oh my goddd I LOVE babies!" Squealed Arpu.

Mrs T slowly turned towards Arpu and suddenly took on a very sinister glint in her eyes.
"You like babies, huh? You think it's fun when you're pregnant and your back hurts all the time? You think it's fun when you're trying to squeeze your baby out and along with that you end up shitting too? You think its fun when your breastfeeding your baby and your nipples are too sore and bleeding and cracked and painful? You think its fun when your boobs grow so huge and saggy that you have to virtually flip them over when you're washing yourself? Oh Yes, my dear, that's SO. MUCH. FUN."
(At the last bit all of us looked down at our chests. The slightly less endowed of the lot beamed with delight. The slightly more endowed of us looked uneasy.)

Arpu sat there, open-mouthed, looking she wanted to cry after that traumatising tirade. I could imagine her shakily taking off her rose-tinted glasses, packing them into a neat little box and the burying that box forever. Poor Arpu.
I was just shell-shocked at the possibility that you might poop while giving birth.
"You can SHIT while giving birth!?!"
"Yes Mahima."
Well, there go my rose-tinted glasses.

So as you can tell, Mrs T was quite a character.
When girls would talk during her class, she'd turn around and with the skill of superbly trained ninja, she would throw perfectly-aimed pieces of chalk at you.
They hurt like a bitch.

I once got back a badly graded essay from her.
"Mahima R! (surname witheld coz I just watched an episode of the Tyra Bank's Show where internet creeps stalked girls. Moral of the story is don't give away too much info. Well I guess I'll just have to delete my entire blog then hahaha. Uh..those of you who know my surname, please don't put it up. I don't want my future in-laws landing on this blog after Googling me. I like saving the rude surprises for later.) How on EARTH could you hand in this crap? You're Indian! Indians are supposed to be good at English! I had a professor at university also with the same surname as you! How do you think he would feel about you handing in this rubbish??"
"Uh..contrary to popular belief, Mrs T, not all R's are related so I doubt he'd feel anything and not all Indians are good at English."
(And then I pointed at Arpu and Roohi.
Hahahahaah KIDDDING...
I am SO dead.)
"Whatever, Mahima, WHAT-EV-ER."

She used to call me "The Rahamah."
Don't ask. Seriously. Don't.
Coz I still have no idea where she pulled that one out of.

Fastforward to 2004.

I went back to my old school to do a relief (substitute) teaching stint there, coz I had too much time to kill before uni started and the pay for relief teaching ROCKS.
(Plus you don't exactly have to be a rocket scientist to relief teach *wink wink nudge nudge*)

I sat in my cubicle pretending like I had work to do when Mrs T popped her head in.
"Heeey Mrs T! How are you?"
"I'm good I'm good. Listen, was I ever mean to you in class?"
"Yep. All the time."
"Oh okay...did you severly despise me?"
"Oh not at all. I loved having you make fun of me all the time! It was very entertaining."
"Okay great so that means I can ask you to help me grade some essays. I have too much bloody work to do and since you actually liked me, I won't feel bad about asking you to help me with this nonsense."
"Haha sure Mrs T."
"Oh and later, if you're free you can join me with my class. We have CME period."

CME period.
'Civics and Moral Education' period.
This was basically 40 minutes of reading out of book that told you that stealing was wrong and helping an old lady across the road was right (in so many words).
It was a glorified free period.


I went up to her class where she introduced me as Miss R.
"She used to be a student of mine and she used to sit in that very corner there."
Wow. She actually remembered where I sat. This was sweet!
"She used to have the WORST bushy hair, terrible acne-fied skin and she thought she was such a smartass..."
"Thank you Mrs T. That bought a tear to my eye. You've touched my heart."
"...and now look at her. If someone like THAT could clean up so nicely, then there's hope for all you losers."
"Aww you love me. You REALLY love me."
"Oh shut UP."

Ahh I love that woman.
She was smart, rude, inspiring and funny all at the same time.

So you see..we started off talking about Kelso's teeth which made me think of kids which made me think of Mrs T which is now making me wonder if all teachers start going a bit batty after a few years of teaching.


As Mrs T once said : "You're a very disturbing girl, Mahima. Very Disturbing."


Addendum: Okay so I listened to Chitgo's idea about putting up my art up for sale, and I'm a member of
Imagekind now.
So yes people, all those times you've ooh-ed and aaah-ed over my art - well now you can BUY it. Moahaha!

No, seriously..buy it. Pleeease? Share and care, baby! When I'm famous 10 years down the road, YOU can tell people "Hey! I made her famous. Yea baby, yea!" (Or something like that.)

If you're interested, you can click on the Imagekind button below my profile and check out the prints for sale. Yea they're prints..if you want to buy an original then that's a whole different ball game :)
(I was totally kidding about the 'bitches' part, I promise. You know I love you guys. Well most of you anyway :P)

Kisses in advance for the buyers! :D



Anonymous roohi did the happy dance and finally said..

hey bitch..im sure no one would notice the teeny weeny comments abt me and arpu.slut!haha

9:57 PM  
Blogger Silvara did the happy dance and finally said..

Hehe Mahima....I think ALL my dreamlike notions of having kids has gone neatly out the window now :P Ewww...That might be one good reson NOT to have the hubby in the room here with you lol.

That Mrs T sounds like such a character - I had a teacher like that once excpet she just hated me. Full stop. Sigh - it was the happiest day of my life when she left. :)

..and yes Mahima, you ARE a very disturbing girl :)

6:38 AM  
Blogger Miz BoheMia did the happy dance and finally said..

Oh take it from one who gave birth sans drugs... twice... and felt it ALL! Well, everything except the shitting because the pain and the intensity of a body coming out of your vagina is so dominant that you feel nothing else and I was later on told that poop and pee made its way outta me but I felt nothing... plus they clean you constantly the whole way through and I gave birth standing up. And the second time around, sorry but woman, you gotta know, it felt as though the anus was gonna rip open... right before the baby thankfully came out of the right orifice... Ah!

But let me put it this way...I MUCH prefer giving birth to being pregnant... I would do THAT ten times over to 9 months of captivity in my body! BAH!

As for the bigger boobs, this small chested, sporty chick HATED that! They did nothing but bounce nonstop and get in the fucking way! I was SO glad when I got my real size back! I am a B and had gone up to HUGE gazanga, porno-ish D's... porno-ish because they were round as hell and looked as I had gotten a silicone implant! OH JOY!

So? Wanna have kids anytime soon?

I think I like Mrs. T!

12:20 PM  
Blogger kasewa did the happy dance and finally said..

as far as the painting in the previous post goes... guess what i noticed first (and only) =D

1:12 PM  
Blogger Urban Bourbon Ninja did the happy dance and finally said..

err.... you can shit when giving birth?

Hey mahi, i'll marry you. And we can adopt. I think i'd immediately fall out of love with anyone that i saw pooping.

I think they're right. I'm not ready for marriage :P

4:05 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

roohi - aww you know i was kidding! i wuve youuuu

silvara - ures and mine both! hearing that stuff when ure 16-17 yrs old is traumatising.

miz b - :| YOU WENT FROM A B TO A D?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!
fuck fuck fuck fuck.
'wanna have kids anytime soon?'

kasewa - not surprised. ure a perv. whos not coming to singapore. boo.

ninja - you wont believe this but after mrs t's speech i distinctly remember turning to my friends and saying 'here's to adoption.'
u think thats bad? we had to watch a childbrith video for bio class. my friend PASSED OUT.
ditto about the shitting thing man..i heard becks and posh wanted to get a couples toilet..who the fuck would want to watch someone shitting? if true love is being able to watch someone poop..then theres another reason why im not cut out for this 'love' business.

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous did the happy dance and finally said..

Mahi, are you sure you need to worry bout this? Like, you know after the sex change operation, did they confirm that this would be possible?

*abhi runs for his life*

6:55 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

abhi - *mahi sets her phaser on 'kill' and blasts the hell out of abhi*

6:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous did the happy dance and finally said..

-overkill- (literally)

-abhi disintegrates-

7:01 PM  
Blogger Raindrop did the happy dance and finally said..

Thankfully, in Indian schools, they shield you completely from the horrors of childbirth. And then when you're finally dumb enough to get pregnant and well into the second trimester when it's too late to abort, they tell you what it's really going to be like.

I'm not talking from experience, just hearsay.

I'm still very disturbed about the shit thing. Very very disturbed.

12:31 AM  
Blogger Scritch did the happy dance and finally said..

why do women actively volunteer for this shit, seriously?

Once? Ok fine I can almost [almost] understand doing it once but why do it twice ??? Who needs a spare child anyway?
Is it like backing up your first born in case it grows up defected?

My motto: Why have a baby, when you can have a dog?

I like Mrs T. She seems like fun.

12:54 AM  
Blogger Scritch did the happy dance and finally said..

I'm not sure the shit thing disturbs me.

I still adore the term "shitting out a baby"
It is both obscene & true yet very visual at the same time.

12:57 AM  
Blogger Menagerie did the happy dance and finally said..

Whoa brilliant! And I mean imagekind, not the 'shitting a baby' convo, I am trying to avoid that trail..

I loved your art, especially the 'So you want more', its sooo cool and retro!

Awesome going gal!

2:36 AM  
Blogger kasewa did the happy dance and finally said..

*sticks out tongue* guess who's not coming to delhi

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate i hate

sigh... when did i become such a girl...

look what you do to me? i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

wv: lxrbfhsu - mahi offering me a massage (lets rub for su)

7:55 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

raindrop - haha talk about saving the rude surprises for later..that is just DOWNRIGHT nasty..those poor women never saw the shit coming. i heard the shit thing back in 2000 and its still disturbing me. i lowwwe your display!

scritch -this teacher once told me that the pain is actually quite forgettable once the deed is done..i guess thats natures way of saying 'haha SUCK-AHHHH.'
exactly..i scared the crap out of my mom once by saying i'd rather have a dog than a kid. now thats not neccessarily true but the expression on her face was priceless
I still adore the term "shitting out a baby"
It is both obscene & true yet very visual at the same time.
too much visual if you ask me *shudder*
mrs t rocked! she was such a bitch sometimes but you just couldn't hate her

[Having said all this..kudos to all you mothers out there..i've always said it - you guys deserve a medal]

menagerie - i love that you loved it :D NOW BUY IT!! BUY IT, DAMMIT! :P

kasewa - hahaahah crazy bastard
if you buy my art i *MIGHT* come to delhi to say thanks :P

10:02 AM  
Blogger chitgo did the happy dance and finally said..

dude.. "You're Indian! Indians are supposed to be good at English" had me rolling on the floor laughing.

gosh i wonder if i should go into old school teacher stories...i met one particular terror recently who saved my ass from getting thrown out multiple times..she looks at me straight in the eye and goes "well dhruv, you turned out quite well now didnt you?"

damn, those were some awesome days.

1:46 PM  
Blogger That Armchair Philosopher did the happy dance and finally said..

hello hello! just stumbled across your blog from Scritch's.. hilarious anecdote about Ms. T and all the rest of it :)

@chitgo - WTF. You're not Dhruv Chitgopekar from DPS RkPuram are you?!!!

3:35 PM  
Blogger nAl did the happy dance and finally said..

Thank you Mahima! I was hoping someone would do that!
*accepts medal with honour*

By the way, the shit thing doesn't always happen. Sometimes, the right muscles work.

4:03 PM  
Blogger chitgo did the happy dance and finally said..

that i am!
(dhruv apologises for using ze blog as blatant reconnecting apparatus:P, blows mahi a kiss!)

4:06 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

chitgo - old teacher stories are the best dude! lol no worries i always love a happy reunion!

army (coz armchair philosopher is just too long :P) - welcome welcome welcome! um..apparently he IS Dhruv Chitgopekar from DPS RkPuram! yay! *mahi throws a handful of confetti in the air* now you visit again, ya hear me?

nal - wellllcome nal! its true babe mothers dont get nearly as much credit as they deserve.
oh mygod u have NO idea how relieved i am to hear that! do visit again!

4:32 PM  
Blogger Grafxgurl did the happy dance and finally said..

my cousin had her kid..and they said that just before the birth they cleaned her out..like an Enema.

she didnt do any of the above mentioned and gave birth quite..."cleanly'

lol...dont worry Mahi...things are different for every girl.

5:53 PM  
Blogger tetracyclops did the happy dance and finally said..

i came across ur blog while meandering from one blog to another and was immediately hooked to it.. believe me, i wud have read 90% of all posts that u had written.. very well written and thoroughly enjoyable.
not to mention my boss who is surprised what took me so long to complete an assignment today!


10:39 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

grafx - ok ok this isnt sounding that bad after all *nervous laugh*
*breathe breathe breathe*
still scared

tetracyclops - hello hello! wow 90%...that is hardcore dude ive been blogging for a while now!
haha make sure ure boss doesnt get wind of this!
thanks for visiting :) and do come again!

10:48 PM  
Blogger Drops Of Jupiter did the happy dance and finally said..

You can rip vulva to anus.

Read that sentence again. Read it and weep. You shit and pee from the same place until it gets fixed.

I think kids. I think vulva to anus. I think No thank you.

And they dare tell us it's no big deal...

10:55 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

jups - *SCREAMS*
ouch. ouch.

11:33 PM  
Blogger Scritch did the happy dance and finally said..

Drops of jupiter, thank god someone agrees!

but its not a problem if you tear. apparently you can be sewn up. no big deal, so what if when you're having sex you never really feel it because you're so wide and flappy.


ok i think I'm done here. I love you're comment page the most. I ought to be drawing instead of ranting.

6:13 AM  
Blogger Scritch did the happy dance and finally said..

there seems to be no imagekind link under your profile

6:49 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

scritch - hahahaa awww graphxgurl is nice!! hahaha scritchure hilarious..
jeesus i think ive got blood-injury-injection phobia..im getting queasy just reading this
oh the image kind button only comes when u go to the homepage (madamemahima.blogspot.com) it doesnt work at an archived page

thanks for the invite to the whiner page! i joined

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous did the happy dance and finally said..

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5:21 PM  

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