24 August, 2005

Love Actually?

Of late, I seem to be entering a lot of conversations with my girlfriends about (surprise surprise!) men. This wasn't your random 'bitching-guy bashing' type of conversation...

No..as my friend(s) and I discussed issues about the male of the species, it dawned on me that forever gone were the days when we'd make random, airhead comments like "Uh! WHAT a dickhead!" or "I hope he gets an STD." or "Let him go, if it's meant to be, then he'll return." and blah blah blah.
No, it seemed to me like we had made a progression of sorts..
Pure spite and malice was now replaced with genuine, honest-to-god curiosity and perhaps confusion. Crude comments and bottomlines were now replaced with carefully thought out analysis (most of the time).


For example, my friend asked me about 'hate'. Why did an ex suddenly spit out the fact that he hated her, this RIGHT AFTER asking her, rather wistfully, about why they had ended.

Five years ago I'd have simply said "Coz he's a dick and girl, you can do better."
Now, I mulled over it and said "Let's think about hate. Why do people hate? I personally think it's for two reasons. Reason no.1 being, that you see yourself in that person. The person symbolises everything you despise in yourself or everything that you're scared that you'll become." I myself dislike a certain someone coz in her, I see everything that I know I'm capable of becoming. And it scares me. Had circumstances been different, I would have probably become her. Fear begets hate..we all know it.
"Reason no.2 is that you know that no matter what you do, you'll never be able to earn back that persons love and respect and maybe even friendship. Despising the person, then, is just an easy way of distancing yourself. It gives you a reason to pull away. It's not always a justifiable reason, but it IS a reason nonetheless."
You see, we finally got it. It wasn't about wanting him back, it was about sympathising and understanding what made him tick. And suddenly my friend wasn't so angry anymore.



Another example is a friend who's been going through a rough patch with her man.
He doesn't call to confirm plans, whatever irks her- he makes light of and he makes her meet him wherever and whenever he wants . Forget about meeting her when SHE wants..it's almost always out of the question. What's his excuse? "I'm lazy."
Laziness is fine. I'm all for laziness coz I'm the laziest person on this planet.
BUT when you're in a relationship, that's just not a good excuse to use...even I know that.
"Sorry, but it looks like you're more into him, than he is you. And he knows it."
I maybe wrong..but I may also be very right. Once you're done being in denial about his faults, seeing the wood for the trees becomes easier and less painful.
We've all seen it so many times right?


But on the bright side, a lot of these guys actuallly DO have a conscience and me being the eternal optimist I am, theres always the hope that they will learn and become better people.


But for now, they can make their mistakes in their own time.
Sure you can be nice and hang around, be their emotional buffer and help them along.
Sure at the end of the day you might have become the crutch that they could not do without.

But at the end of the day, chances are high that they will outgrow you or vice versa.

And being outgrown sucks.



There wasn't really any point to this post, just random ruminations that I thought I'd share..


[I know there are a few of you who will comment about me being wrong, talking b.s or about how I'm a plain ol' saddo case with no life. You may be right. But too bad for you this is my blog and no one's putting a gun to your head and forcing you to read :) Oh also, I hope your crotch gets infested with the fleas of a thousand camels.]

18 Comments:

Anonymous Rajesh did the happy dance and finally said..

Yeah, Hate does become a convenient reason, not a justifiable one, just convenient...I knw whn my ex decided to end the relationship, I went through shock thn confusion wic ended up in hate, I couldnt understand the reasoning behind the brake up, cos quite frankly, it wasnt my fault(not in denial here, just stating a fact)...also the fact that it was during the time whn my father was dying n tat she kinda broke up wit me via SMS...

But aft thinkin abt it, I knw it takes 2hands to clap, n i did alot of mistakes, so did she...we are still friends, we keep in touch n i do not hate her anymore, frankly, I spent 3yrs loving her, hating her was jus childish way of dealing wit it...another mistake in my growing list...

I guess all tat has got nuttin to do wit the post, but the comment box is for us to comment and I shall comment wat i want! ;p too bad!

12:19 AM  
Blogger SoNyA did the happy dance and finally said..

I know what you mean babe... being outgrown does suck... and in a lot of ways you sometimes wonder if e good times r worth all e pain in e end... n being smart about it is a good thing! at least no immature ass is gonna b hurting our mahi anytime soon :)

12:42 AM  
Blogger Jay did the happy dance and finally said..

Just make sure you date a much older guy. That way if there's any outgrowing to be done, it'll be done by you. And well, that sucks a little bit less.

9:02 AM  
Blogger APOO did the happy dance and finally said..

Hmmm... so when do you plan to open an "Aunt Agony" section in the Singapore Times?

9:16 AM  
Anonymous tragicomix did the happy dance and finally said..

i was jilted once..and she metaphorically crushed my crotch with her heels by saying thus
"I am indifferent. and Indifference is worse than hate"

9:35 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

rajesh - aww im sorry about your dad..and yea your girlfriend should have given u an excuse or at least something resembling an excuse (dont even get me started on the sms thing) and its a good thing you're past hating her,coz really it doesn't get you anywhere..

sonya - thanks babe =) *hug* you know what they say "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." And i firmly believe that.

jay - you know, i think you're right! bummer. no more toy boys for me :P

apoo - i'm still waiting for the local papers to call me. Mahima and her Gospel are just DYING to reach the masses:P (PS- it's the Straits Times, not the Singapore Times)

tragic - yeouch! "indifferent"?? that STINKS! hate or love is good coz at least there's SOMETHING there...indifference is just 'nothingness'. *serves tragic some comfort food* hang in there!

11:16 AM  
Blogger Avyakt did the happy dance and finally said..

From another perspective...
At a primary level growing up is about defining yourself, your faith, belief etc.. This often leads to differences in opinion among people mainly because they have grown while not realising that others around them are growing into someone else too... someone very different..

The secondary level of maturity(growing up) is about accepting people for who they have grown into and have defined themselves as... and being confortable with that.

Its this latter maturity which plays a biggest factor in ones relationship.

9:14 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

avyakt - welcome! yup...early on it's an egocentrism of sorts..it still never fails to amaze me how much my point of view on things have changed...
read a diary u wrote about 2 years back, and the change is incredible..
yup u got it right..its about accepting people for what they are..trying to change a person is a myth..u'll be lucky if the person remembers you 5 years down the road and how you made a difference in his life...not a change..just a slight difference.

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Rajesh did the happy dance and finally said..

Thanks Dear :)...

And if the straits times does call u, let me knw, at least there wil finally be a reason to actually read the papers!

9:36 PM  
Blogger Webmiztris did the happy dance and finally said..

I think you're on to something - especially the "The person symbolises... everything that you're scared that you'll become."

I'm totally feeling that.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

rajesh - haha thank u =D

dawn - thank you! it dawned (woo pun!) upon me, when i started to wonder why i disliked person A, despite her being so like me sometimes..and then i got it. it was BECAUSE she was so like me!
feels terrible but liberating at the same time

11:30 AM  
Blogger Drops Of Jupiter did the happy dance and finally said..

When you're in a relationship, you have to allow room for it to grow or for it to wither. You can't beat yourself up if it fails, and whether people change or don't, they can easily fall out of love. Sometimes the simple answer is "He's just not that into you"

Anyway, yeah.. fleas and herpes on all cheating men ;-) haha..love that last line.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

jups - yup beating yourself up won't work , but i guess it's natural to wonder if it was 'my' fault..
hehe thank u =D

6:41 PM  
Blogger couchpotato did the happy dance and finally said..

You're growing old, Mahi! ;)

8:47 PM  
Anonymous Rajesh did the happy dance and finally said..

Couchie - Couch! how could you!...use some tact!...seh is getting more mature...

besides...she'll hav enuf time to deal wit "old" whn the wrinkles set in...

*puts head on the chopping block*

9:05 PM  
Blogger Mint Chutney did the happy dance and finally said..

I also think the more mature you get you realize what you truly can live with and without.

9:10 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima did the happy dance and finally said..

couchie - :O YOU TAKE THAT BACK! RIGHT NOW! punk! *pfft* kids these days:P

rajesh - gee thanks..i think. :P

mint - too right..u start to realise the difference between what u want and need. realising that itself is half the battle won.

10:17 PM  
Blogger couchpotato did the happy dance and finally said..

See, you're acting like a grandmother calling me a Kid!

@ Rajesh: :lol: Guess I should have used MORE tact! ;)

3:10 PM  

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